


If everything I do has got a hole in it (then everything you do has got a hold on me)

by AnnieTheMouse



Category: The Old Guard (Comics), The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Basically alternating between Nile being large and in charge - and Nile being fuck it, F/F, F/M, Game: Watch Dogs 1, Moose is here from the comics but only kinda taking a bit of canon and twisting it to my needs, Nile Freeman is So Done, Nile Freeman is a competent BAMF, Nile Freeman is a queen, Pansexual Character, but only kinda sorta I stole some character design points, fair warning Book of Nile is endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:06:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 10,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27584506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnieTheMouse/pseuds/AnnieTheMouse
Summary: In which Nile is the responsible one, until she isn't.
Relationships: Andy | Andromache of Scythia/Nile Freeman/Quynh | Noriko, Andy | Andromache of Scythia/Quynh | Noriko, Booker | Sebastien le Livre/Nile Freeman, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Nile Freeman/Mustafa "Moose" King, implied Booker/Copley
Comments: 99
Kudos: 79





	1. Prologue

The thing is, Nile has always been the responsible one.

As an older sister. As a daughter. As a marine.

Now improbably as an immortal.

She feels the weight of that immortality, that responsibility every day. It stares at her from Copley’s wall, the proof of what a life like hers can do. She traces the lines across the paper, the great things that Andy, Joe, Nicky, even Booker before he got lost, all those saved lives and saved futures on the page - and she realizes that this is what she’s going to be doing for an eternity.

It’s heady, and it’s weighty, and she respects it so damn much. She wants to make a difference, she always has.

But the thing is ... she is also so very, very tired of always having to be the responsible one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song title from "Your Mangled Heart' by Gossip.
> 
> May do chapter titles from it too, if I'm feeling ambitious. (or actually no, I'm going to use it in the fic for once, damnit why not)


	2. Chapter 2

It’s not that she doesn’t like being in control. It’s not that she wouldn’t be good at it. She was considering command track before all this, if she had stayed in the military.

It’s also pretty fucking obvious that that’s the road she’s headed on. Andy is a force of nature and has obviously led this crew since they’ve been together. But Andy is not going to be able to do that anymore - not forever, and in Nile’s mind not even now, though she knows that she doesn’t dare suggest that to Andy (not yet). And it doesn’t feel like either Joe or Nicky are inclined to step forward, to lead. 

It could just be because Andy is still here, still stubborn and strong. But Nile’s lived in the military long enough to be able to get a sense of who is interested in command and who is not. Neither Joe or Nicky give off even a sense of interest in it.

Honestly, the way Andy drags her into discussions, asks her for things, she thinks Andy sees it too. Either that or she’s even more afraid of technology than Nile had originally thought.

So the idea of it isn’t the problem. Not conceptually.

But there’s still a part in the back of her brain that is wondering when she gets her chance to breathe. She went from taking care of her mom and brother after dad died, to taking care of her fellow soldiers and the civilians they were supposed to protect, to now this, where apparently these ancient soldiers have some weaknesses she had not expected.

She realizes one of the reasons why Andy recruited Copley now. She’s trying to help get him information he needs on their setup from the inside for contacting potential clients, and getting nowhere. “I don’t know” Nicky finally tells her. “Book always took care of that” The wounded tone of his voice as he says it makes her almost sad for asking, but damnit she needs to know these things. They need to know these things.

“Makes sense” Copley sighs on the other end of the phone when she tells him. “He was the only active first contact I ever dealt with, doing all the checks.” The fact that Copley had actively subverted their vetting process goes without saying right now.

(She knows how he did it, knows about about his wife now. She knows about both men’s dead wives, Joe’s effusive swearing and stalking from the room when Copley told them making her have to find out why it set him off so badly. The fact that Copley used it to help twist Booker around is painful and clever in equal amounts.)

“We have his setup, his laptop. Can we figure it out from there?” she asks, hopefully. She’s as digital as a digital native can be, but she knows unlike the others that there’s a huge gap between ‘digitally savvy’ and ‘hacker’. Though she guesses she'd have time to learn, now.

But that takes time, and right now Copley with his research she knows is a little more advanced than her, so she makes him walk her through how contact had worked digitally from his side of the transaction, back when. “It seemed oddly advanced, given what I know about them now. Good chance Booker had someone working for him behind the scenes. I know I would have.” 

He’s got a point. Andy’s already introduced her to their equipment dealers, to help get her equipped and to get her on their radar for future orders, and she remembers the smugglers that had obviously been used to working for Andy before she took that plane ride. They’re smart about who they enlist, and those people don’t stay the same long enough for recognizing the lack of aging on their part, but there are support structures in place everywhere. And if Booker had done it this way, that makes one more thing she can take care of, one more thing that they don't have to rely on Copley for completely.

Whether she is concerned about that because he betrayed them once, or because she knows his help has an expiry date, she's not decided.

Either way, she needs access to the information. Later she can worry about tracking down the right people. “I know we’re not supposed to be in contact with him” she asks, and Copley cuts her off pretty quickly.

“I have eyes on him.” he confirms, and there’s a tinge of regret in those words, the same regret she’d heard tinging his words when he’d confessed at the point of her gun about how amazing the people he’d just condemned to a lab were. The same regret she’d heard when he’d confessed about his wife. Copley obviously respects them, respects Booker among them, and that doesn’t change anything but given that she’s not surprised he’s making sure Booker is above ground. (Above water.)

But the important thing is that Copley has an updated cell number that she can message, and Nile doesn’t give a damn about exile when it comes to making sure there are no gaps in their protection.

The text back is surprisingly fast, and she wonders if he’s that bored, or that lonely. Or if he knew this would be happening, that it had to happen, given that they’ve left him without anyone truly thinking through the logistics of severing a limb that has been there for that long. “Password is year I finally met them, and name of Nicky’s patron saint.”

Nicky gives her the info, doesn’t ask why she’s asking but that’s probably because he already knows. It takes a few combinations of numbers and letters before it works, and Nile can’t help the happy hiss that escapes her lips as the computer finally loads past that intro screen.

She’s barely on the thing five minutes before the screen goes black and she swears to herself as she checks the power cable, but the screen’s back, just black with green writing and it’s so stereotypical hacker matrix movie that she initially doesn't think it's real, until additional words appear on the screen.

“So you’re the new girl y/n” the text says, cursor blinking bright and green below it. It’s freaky as hell, but she remembers what Copley said about support, the vague confirmation from Booker that had followed, so she soldiers forward. She was going to have to track them down eventually, eventually can be now if it has to be.

“Y” she types, hits enter, slides a post-it from her pile of notes over the spot where the camera is just to be safe. Just because the light isn’t on doesn’t mean it’s not, after all.

“Why should I help you?” the question follows quickly, and she blinks, confused.

“You helped before” is her retort, and she can’t help the frown that’s beginning to start. She does not have time for this.

“Librarian, not you” and it takes a moment to connect before she groans out loud. Seriously, for immortals all of them suck at intelligent aliases. She’s almost afraid to ask what Joe’s favourite fake name is. She knows she’s going to be unimpressed.

But that’s a different problem for Nile to fix a different goddamn day. Right now she has to convince whoever this is who has been helping Booker to help her.

“Same difference” she types back. “Same cause”

“We’ll see, River” is all the response she gets before the black window that had taken over her screen shrinks to one corner, and loads with connection details for the contact method that Copley had told her about. There are two requests pending for their attention, two ways she can choose from to help make a difference, but first she has one thing she needs to deal with.

“What the fuck” she texts to Booker with one hand as she scrolls through the messages. He doesn’t respond. She texts the same thing to Copley next, and tries not to wonder who might be listening in when he calls her back.

Not that it matters, truly. If they worked for Booker, they’ll work for her. She’ll get it sorted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon that Booker was not just a magic hacker who could hack all the things but that he actually had hackers working for him comes from my 'As it falls unto my lot, though I'm not 100% sure in my head that this is the same canon as that story.
> 
> Headcanon that Andy needed Copley partially to fill that gap just seems common sense.  
> And that Nile would see something that needs to be a skillset there? Well, Copley will sadly not live forever and she's a smart cookie.


	3. Chapter 3

She does get it sorted. She doesn’t know if it’s because Booker talked to them after her text (which he never responded to, which rude) or if she’s just convinced them to follow her lead after their initial suspicion.

Either way, they do good work and they don’t spill secrets. Copley is nigh on complimentary when he talks about what they’re handling for the Guard.

And the Guard is handling things well. She’s not sure how smooth life was for them before her, but she feels like she’s fitting in, like she's meant to be here, with them. She learns how to do a lot of new things that the military never taught her. How to pick a lock. How to swing a sword. She likes the challenges of learning things that are new.

Which is of course, why Nile has to ask their hacker about best ways to learn some of the tricks of the trade herself. Once they’re no longer acting prickly about the 'new girl', once they’ve gotten past terse words and into banter. She knows she’ll never be as good, but she can’t swing a sword as good as Nicky either. As long as she can do damage, it’s enough.

It eventually, also comes with a request to meet face to face. Ostensibly a training session, though Nile is pretty sure in this day and age there’s not anything that hackers do that can’t happen in a virtual world. But BadGhost, as they go by, is charming and funny and pushy in equal measures, even through nothing but text, shared screens, and a voice changer. And Nile? Nile likes to push back.

There is always the risk that this is a trap. That is the sad fact of their life. But the information that they have tells her no. Nile’s instincts tell her no. (So do her hormones, if she's honest, though they don't get a vote.)

And if the answer is yes, well, she’s not as naive as she was when she first started out here. She has scheduled call-ins. She has weapons. She has herself, honed into a weapon too by now.

The plan involves no clear identification of where she’s staying, no direct connection to where BadGhost’s home base. Just two people meeting in a bar, a spycraft story as old as time. The girl at the other end of the bar flirting with her immediately was not part of that plan, but Nile goes with it because both her accent and tattoos are hot, and it’s as good a way as any to kill time even if it's not like she's going to just pick up a girl at a bar.

Eventually though, there’s a certain turn of phrase that is too familiar, and although flirting was definitely not part of the agreement, it’s definitely not without precedent.

“BadGhost” she asks, prodding, and the woman who has introduced herself as Clara before this realization just smiles, wicked and dark.

“Hello River” Clara responds, biting her lip, and Nile? Nile is completely sold. There’s a nice little tension there, and it's growing.

She’d always been told not to shit where she eats but this isn’t the same as if she tried to seduce someone on her team. No, this is someone who knows enough but still seems to have the same interests she does, if the way they’re dancing close and tight is any indication. “I like to have fun” Clara had said when they headed out tonight for her ‘reward’ after they’d completed the work part of this trip, and Nile is pretty sure that wasn’t referring just to dancing.

Not that she's complaining about dancing. The music is loud, the room dark enough to be anonymous and strobing lights enough to see the bend of Clara's hips in front of her. She's not been like this, not for too long. Not been carefree and open and not giving a damn about what the next second brings. She's been anonymous, but not this way. Not where no one gives a damn who you are other than another body on that floor, another body to grind against. 

And sure, she's still got a couple of knives strapped to her, and sure Clara isn't truly some random girl she picked up in a bar, but it's so much less pressure and pretense and Nile floats in it until Clara finally drags her out.

“Now what?” she asks, as they head out the door into the cool air, but that tension is enough to keep her warm, keep her voice dark. Clara bites her lip as she leans back and looks Nile straight in the eye. There’s an understanding there, in the tilt of her head. This is not love - it’s definitely lust - but there’s a respect there, and respect and understanding is something that she’s not going to get anywhere else easily.

Besides, every time she bites her lip, Nile really wants to lick it better.

So she does.

Amongst other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hacker based off https://watchdogs.fandom.com/wiki/Clara_Lille if she hadn’t died but instead gone dark/hidden and gotten a little wiser. And come up with a FAR better hacker name because even though mine is probably lame, it’s still better than BadBoy17.
> 
> It's almost like having an immortal that owes you a favor is a useful back pocket thing in such situations.
> 
> (Does that qualify as something I should tag as a fandom? Probably not right? I have no clue what the rules are there.)


	4. Chapter 4

Look. Nile cannot sleep through anything. She’s too on alert most of the time.

But she was really really trying. The voices weren’t too loud, they’re in the next room, and she doesn’t see Clara stabbing her in the back (she’s had plenty more opportunity than this, and well, it’s not like she can’t recover from being stabbed in the back in bed now). 

The only thing is one of the voices speaking, the one that sounds more frustrated, has an oddly familiar accent. And suddenly a few things are falling into place, despite her attempts to keep her brain offline and in that post-fuck morning after lassitude where she doesn’t have to think or take charge.

She considers just wrapping the blanket around herself, but that feels too vulnerable, so she wiggles back into her shirt and underwear at least, and heads around the wall to see Clara roll her eyes quite expressively at the man currently ranting in French at her.

“Morning Booker” she says bluntly, no desire to beat around the issue, and she didn’t think she could sneak up on him but he’s obviously startled by her appearance. She ignores it, ignores his look - all very intentionally, thank you very much - and heads across to where she sees the coffee pot waiting.

His shock is amusing her though, so once she has her coffee she turns back and continues. “What was I supposed to miss? The fact that she has other partners, or the fact that one of them is you?” She actually did miss the latter the first time, when Clara and her had talked about the former between kissing and tumbling into bed, but ain’t no way she’s letting him know that. 

“And you still …” his voice trails off, and she can’t help it. He seems thrown off, and she wants to throw him off even more for waking her up. She makes sure her responding smirk is extra dirty, even as she lets her eyes wander over to Clara, who is watching her with renewed interest.

“You’re the one who trusted her with our safety first” she says dryly, taking a sip of her coffee, still keeping her eyes on Clara, not Booker. She’s not 100% sure what he says in response given it’s in French, but she’s definitely sure that those are swear words. There’s a certain emphasis that transcends language.

“Who are you more jealous of? Her or me?” Clara asks, and Booker throws up his hands in exasperation.

And well. That puts an interesting spin on his issues with her current location. If it’s true, that is.

“Câlisse” Clara says before Nile can comment, before Booker can start in again. “You’re always so grumpy when you haven’t slept. Just go to bed.”

Booker throws up his arms yet again with a snarl and disappears down the hallway and well, there’s only one bedroom here, so that could be awkward. Though probably not more awkward than the last few minutes have been, if she’s honest.

“How sound does he sleep?” Nile finally asks. “Cause I’m going to need to get the rest of my clothes back, eventually.”

“Were you planning on leaving so soon?’ the hacker responds, and god she loves the tease in her voice.

So she returns that tease with her own. “Well, you did give away the bed” she points out, watching the not so casual lean Clara does across from it, the arch of her back.

“You don’t need a bed, do you?” Is the next response, and Nile smiles as she steps forward, caging the other woman against the counter. Oh no. She really doesn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Câlisse is something Clara uses as a swearword in the game, so it is canon for where i stole her from. It also is part of the wonderfully awesome world of quebecois swears which I think an ancient frenchman would appreciate (or be annoyed by) - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quebec_French_profanity
> 
> The concept of the immortals sleeping with the same person at some point is not at all unusual in fanfic I've read, but a lot of times I’ve seen it it’s been kind of painted as a ‘people of the past were kinky’ thing, so I wanted to bring that into ‘no, people are just like that sometimes’. Also I could imagine Booker figuring out something was up and flying in to try and intervene ‘for their own good’ - and find out he’s not only too late, but there’s definitely no interest in his intervention.


	5. Chapter 5

She learned a lot about computers, about hacking, with Clara’s help. Never ran into Booker again around her either - not that trip, the bedroom vacated by the time she needed to leave, or some subsequent ones before the spark between her and the hacker fizzled back to a friendly respect. Exile respected, and awkwardness avoided, it was all good in her mind.

The skills she’s learned, from Clara, from Copley, they’ve definitely helped make the Guard more independent. But she’s been coming to realize that she can’t replace Copley. Even once Booker gets back perhaps, Copley’s stretched what they can do that much, but especially in the meantime.

Copley has skill sets she doesn’t have the patience to learn, but more than that he is at his core so damn human, so caring, that his presence seems to be a reminder to them all of what they’re fighting for. And what they’re fighting to not forget to be, as years blur by.

His caring had been twisted with Merrick, and that’s always a risk with this type of thing, but it’s a risk Nile feels is worth taking. It’s not worth it to stop feeling, and she gets the impression that’s where Andy had been sitting for awhile before mortality took that protection from her.

Because the years do blur a lot for the others, but Nile isn’t used to them yet, so she sees them start to weigh on Copley. Starts to realize that they will lose him, and what he brings to the table. Starts to try and think of how to bring it up.

Copley brings it up first, of course. He’s good at that. A simple thin file, his top pick laid out inside in carefully organized sections.

“Law enforcement? Really?” She asks, because that is definitely not where she had pictured he was going.

“He’s not happy with what he’s doing” Copley says, and there’s a weight to his words. The voice of a man who knows what he’s talking about. “But he wants to help people and he can’t see another way to do it”

And oh. well. That’s telling. Nile makes a mental note that Copley may not be looking at this completely objectively. 

Still, as she reads the file, as she watches the videos, as she gets Clara’s latest protege to tear apart every little piece of the man’s life, she can see the potential. He’s got the skills that they’ll lose if they lose Copley, he’s got a drive to him, and he is so very frustrated at not being able to make enough of a difference. 

She was there once. She remembers. Far too well.

So she agrees to go through with the plan, first to get the others on board, and second, to lure this Agent Mustafa King into working with them, to slowly ease him into a world where he’d be willing to work with them. 

A world where he’d be willing to believe in the impossible.

The plan is elegant in its own way. Copley will start planning for his consulting firm to be ‘sold’ to another, so that once they convince Mustafa, he’ll have a comfortable place to land, and a plausible excuse - Copley still has enough connections in his former CIA life that him recruiting from those areas to help with his business and then take it over to let him retire? Will not look suspicious. 

Totally plausible - even without his secondary agenda working for an immortal army of four. 

He tells her he’ll need to do it anyways, even if King doesn’t work out. Maybe they could find another candidate, but he also shows her the plans where she, under a different alias, is the person who takes over the company herself. A good, solid identity she could run on for a number of years if she had to. It’s a good plan b, and she has learned from this new life to always have a backup plan.

In the meantime, they will pick tasks related to the areas the Agent is involved in - human trafficking, an area that the Guard would be interested in stopping anyways - and start dropping hints and clues. Til Mustafa, or Moose as the hacker gleefully tells her he is known by, is too interested in what they offer, and hopefully if they play this right entrapped well enough that he’d hurt himself more than help himself if he tried to turn on them.

They don’t need to go through that again. And she knows that Andy will slit his throat before he gets a chance. Which is probably not fair to the guy, as he could have lived a safe life without them if they don’t put this in play. But it’s the right call, Nile agrees. But hopefully, not one they'll have to make

Because he’s plan A. And she’s determined that she’s going to get him on their side, get Copley the retirement he damn well deserves, and get them some fresh blood to help keep them running. Keep improving. Keep fighting the good fight.

She’s willing to do what it takes to make this work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since Mustafa "Moose" King was in the comics, and given his involvement in the comics, I thought hmm. Could I leverage that?
> 
> Of course I can shamelessly steal and modify plot points to suit my interest. This is fanfiction after all :)


	6. Chapter 6

And so it begins. They spend days tracking down the traffickers, getting deeper than law enforcement can, doing more damage than they would be allowed to. Nile had never thought herself a vicious person before, but there’s a certain type of person that she’s picked up Andy and Quynh’s way of looking at, for better or worse.

People who traffic kids who should never be seeing the shit they’re exposed to is one of them.

And, on the side, when they have room to breathe, when they have information that could be useful at a different level - bringing down powerful men who of course have a side business that is as slimy as their smiles - well, then they cast their net for their erstwhile Agent. 

Lay the lures, provide the details, see what they can hook. 

He’s receptive, which isn’t surprising at all. The frustration at not being able to make any progress, with the info he needs waved in front of his face and the safe title of ‘confidential informant’ being able to be put in front of the source, even if he doesn’t really know the source - well, of course he goes for it.

What is more surprising is that Moose - well, Moose reminds her of Copley, in a way, and she can see why he recommended them. And Nile likes Copley. Not in that way, although she has at times wondered what if - what if they’d met in a different circumstance, what if he didn’t carry the weight of his wife’s death and what it had led him to like a mantle for the rest of his days.

Moose in comparison feels young, almost unbearably so, even if physically he appears older than she does. She wonders how he sees her, in those fleeting moments where she drops him those breadcrumbs before she walks out of the bar door.

It’s inevitable, she knows, that one day he’s going to follow her out. Confront her. Inevitable because they planned it this way.

What is also inevitable is that it’s a turn-on, this whole cloak and dagger thing. It’s like every spy movie she ever watched as a hormonal teenager, with all the associated sexual baggage, come to life.

She’s more Bond than Bond girl, but the comparison is apt.

It does mean that when he finally charges after her, the fifth time they've done this, she’s all keyed up already. He's demanding answers, and he's trying to be smooth, but he is staring at her like she’s a mystery and the answer all in one. Nicky had bet fifty on him falling for her (and what follows). She’s starting to regret betting against him.

She swears she’s seen this type of scene in a movie before, and well, her life turned into some sort of weird science fiction so she might as well go with it. Because she sees the intrigue in his eyes. Considers that. Considers what she’d be willing to do to make this work.

If you’re willing to a kill a man, are you willing to fuck him instead?

Actually, she is. Maybe not always, but in this case? Doesn’t hurt at all that he’s completely the type of man that Nile would have fallen for, back in the day, back when she was just plain ol' Nile Freeman. She’s in no risk of falling that way, but honey? She can do that. And she can enjoy herself while doing so. 

Faded lust is probably a better groundwork for a long term partnership than faded betrayal. Can't be any worse.

So she changes her tactics. Instead of arguing back, she smiles, secretive and knowing. “Why don’t you come with me and find out?” is all she says to the flurry of questions he throws her way, and she is not hiding at all what that question is offering. Her stance, her tone, everything intentional to make sure there is no misunderstanding what the offer on the table is.

The answer to his questions, only maybe. The answer to that look in his eyes, definitely.

When they go around the corner she can see him move towards her, but she’s faster and better. It’s him who ends up pressed into a wall, and the shock on his face is a bit of a thrill as she stares him down.

She knows she’s being watched, but it’s ok. They’ll find privacy eventually. Besides, it’s good for Nicky to know he won his bet, even if it’ll take him a month before he stops crowing about it. 

“Want something?” She asks, low and teasing, and watches him swallow. Watches him nod. And just because she can, she makes him wait just a second before she leans in, to hide her growing smirk against his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the closest to canon I've ever written, because technically - without the backstory, timeline or Nile's thoughts - this actually kinda happens in the comics.
> 
> It feels weird to write something that's actually semi-legit vs. just my brain.


	7. Chapter 7

It’s stressful, planning how to replace Copley, but even given that Moose is, to be honest, some of the best fun she’s had in years.

Admittedly, how much of the fun is him, and how much of it is running a honeytrap of her own devising, she’s not sure. She probably doesn’t want to look into that part of her psyche too much, to be honest.

But he’s attentive and wanting and as Joe points out, a little bit in awe of her and her information and her ability to disappear from his radar when she wants to that He lets her push him around, use him how she wants to. It’s good to get him into the habit of listening, but she’s quite happily reaping the side effect of getting him into that force of habit. 

And he definitely looks good on his knees. 

Actually he looks good between her legs in a lot of different ways. She knows that now, along with many other things. They’ve met up in a number of hotel rooms, since this has begun. Instead of texting him bars to come get his information, it’s a hotel name and room number and he gets his information first, still - never know what might come up. 

But then there’s just them, and a hotel room, and however fast they can get their clothing off this time.

She’s been clear though that this is not love, and he seems to get it. She doesn’t need him to turn on her once her true cause is out. She’s trying her best to keep the mystique not just being about her and her body and what she has him do, but on the info she has and the secrets she contains and the possibilities that she keeps just out of his reach.

Andy’s still uncertain though, she knows that. Killing him is not off the table, not in her mind.

“What makes him different then Copley? Is it because you don’t have anything to hold over his head, or because one of us is sleeping with this one?” she finally asks after one sidelong glance at her return from the latest anonymous hotel room. 

She doesn’t really get to indulge in the afterglow with him, not and keep her boundaries, so she’s back with the gang after a shower, beer in hand, to try and enjoy the last of that good muscle hurt and relaxed chill feel that a really good sex session gives her, and Andy’s look is harassing that just a little.

Andy hums as she mulls over the question, seeming to give it serious consideration before responding “The former. Especially since I’m pretty sure Booker fucked Copley at least once.” She says it so matter of fact that Nile nearly chokes on her drink. 

“Seriously?” the sidelong glance Andy gives her this time includes a smirk. Guess her crush on Copley wasn’t all that unique after all. That one she is definitely going to have to try and verify with Copley. Not likely he’ll tell her the truth, but damn that’s good gossip.

Gossip that’s for another time, given the teasing isn’t over. Because of course it isn’t. “And the fact that he’s a good boy who does what you tell him to has nothing to do with it” Joe yells from the kitchen, getting back to the topic of Moose again, and this time it’s Nile’s turn to give a sidelong look of her own.

“Projecting much?” she finally responds, and Nicky makes a semi-offended noise from where he’s reading his book, but otherwise doesn’t get himself involved in this. He usually doesn’t.

“If you need any pointers then, let me know” Joe leers as he leans out the kitchen door to waggle his eyebrows at her. She can hear Quyhn’s laughter from behind him, and as much as the post-fuck cuddling would have been nice, this - the five of them able to relax between gigs, being able to laugh and joke and be a family … well it’s something that no hot agent boy is going to be able to compete with for ‘best way to spend an evening’. 

Still, no need for Joe to realize she’s getting all sentimental. Not like she can’t have both, after all. She did today. The ache in her thighs as she stretches her legs out to the coffee table is a reminder about just how much she did.

Or at least how much she made the agent do. Joe is right, he is a good boy. And she definitely doesn’t need any pointers on how to ensure he remains one for now.

“No thanks, Old Man” she taunts back. “I think I’ve got it handled.” 

She ignores the comment about what exactly she is handling. Sometimes you have to cut your losses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not sure why the 'sexy Moose' chapter ended up transforming into a Old Guard team bonding chapter? but it works for some reason (and it's where my brain went) so we're going with it.
> 
> Maybe because there's a lot of Andy grumpiness over Moose in the comic, so I wanted something that wasn't that.
> 
> But don't worry, Nile is getting plenty laid.


	8. Chapter 8

It’s not like she has a problem with Andy grooming her for leadership. She’d considered it, at the beginning, when she wasn’t sure if she wanted to do that again, when she wasn’t sure if the others would accept her, but that is at least a lifetime ago. Well, a normal person’s lifetime, at least.

Besides, she now knows that as much as she loves Joe, as she loves Nicky, as she’s even come to love Quynh … none of them are meant to be leaders. They’re amazing warriors, they’re her family, but Nicky is too methodical, too slow, too much about planning. Great as a sniper, not so good as a leader - decisions are too weighted, too.

And both Joe and Quynh are too impulsive - Quynh dangerously so, but she’s sure Joe would be the same if not for the balancing force that Nicky is at his side.

(she wonders, sometimes, what Quynh will become without the balancing force of Andy - but she always forces it back into the recesses of her brain. She doesn’t want to wonder that. She doesn’t want to know)

But really? when it comes down to it, the only problem she’s had was when Andy thought she wasn’t being really fucking obvious about trying to be subtle about it.

So no. That’s not her problem. Her problem isn’t leading, her problem is the implication that comes with holding the reins completely. The implication that someone else wouldn’t be there to share it.

At first, she had thought that once Quynh had been returned to them, that they’d be off. That Andy would go, enjoy what was left of her mortality without them. It hadn’t been true. They’d both leapt back into the cause, and she’d gotten to understand what Nicky meant by ‘pit viper in a fight’ from the good side before long.

And that means she’s gotten used to tag teaming this with Andy. With a woman she respects down to her core, a woman she has fought with and fought beside and argued with and argued for and laughed with and cried with and who has become the rock at her back she never knew she wanted. The sister she’d never had.

Andy’s been aging slower than a normal human, which is good - and healing faster than a normal human, which is better. Just not enough. Not slow enough, not fast enough, not immortal enough.

They can ignore the first grey hair. They can ignore the second.

By the time there’s no way left to ignore it, Moose is installed as their new coordinator (their relationship gone from hot to cold to now friendly and respectful), and the grey has completely colored Andy’s temples and streaked through the black of the rest of her hair.

Which would be fine if it didn’t come with other issues. Her leg, which healed almost enough but not quite enough, starts to gain a noticeable limp. The aches and pains that are noticeable when it gets cold, when the going gets rough. 

She still would pass as late 50s, early 60s. There are mercenaries that still work at that age - just not many. And not safely. 

Thankfully it’s not them that have to bring it up - Nile’s been dreading it, fearing it, knowing that Andy can still take her out with a well placed blow, that Andy took out an entire armed force bleeding from the gut and in shock, a limp and some aches are not going to stop her from showing Nile just how wrong she thinks she is - but thankfully, Andy’s too smart for her yet again.

Andy’s the one that pulls the plug. Calls them together after one of their breaks, and tells them it’s time for her to let go. For them to let her go.

There’s denial, at first - they all knew it was coming but that’s different. But there’s understanding. And there is, as always now in Nile's world, in her next steps, planning. Nile and Moose and Andy, looking over the plans, looking at the world they’ve built, the world they can continue building, the world they can continue helping, and figuring out the way forward without her.

Not just her, Nile knows, Nile plans. Without Quynh. Not forever, not …. not like Andy. But there i no way that she’s going to be ready to leave with them, to fight with them, until there is no Andy to stand beside anymore.

It takes awhile, it takes tears and it takes breaks and it takes far too much takeout, but they have a plan. Nile at the helm, officially, no one to share the reins, the rest of the team in agreement. Booker, a needed return to the fold, only a few years early but a trade that they have to make if they’re going to be viable down two members. Identities, a home, a place to land planned for Andy - not far from where Moose is stationed, just in case. 

Always a safety net, after all.

“Well I guess there’s just one thing left” Nile finally tells her, and even though they’ve been planning this for days she’s still a little choked up, she can’t help it. “We need to hold you one hell of a retirement party”

Andy grins. Nile grins. Moose groans. She’s assuming he’s counting the vodka bill in his head.

Fair enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't care if the likelihood of Andy retiring is near to zero, she gets to damnit. I think the Andy of the past would have done anything to die with an axe in her hand. I'd like to imagine an Andy of the future who realizes she doesn't have to.
> 
> The idea of an Andy who could be halfway between her old immortal self and a true mortal struck in my my short stories collection I did awhile back so I went with it.


	9. Chapter 9

Admittedly a retirement party when you’re retiring from thousands of years can’t be a one day only thing. Instead they adjourn to the former safe house with land enough for horses that Moose and her have carefully converted into just a normal house, for Andy.

Because of course Andy would need horses, would need room to roam. She’s retiring, but she’s still Andy. Nile’s already conspiring with Joe to set up an ax-throwing target in the backyard. Not that Andy has ever used traditional targets, Nicky points out, trying to spoil their plans, but they are far too set on this path to stop now, and she can’t wait for the roll of eyes from Andy that will happen once she sees the setup they’ve created.

It’s a matter of pride and of sheer amount of work involved that setting her set up out here and moving her things in is a group, international effort. The Rodin takes pride of place on a table when Booker shows up, one of Andy’s caches in one hand as well as, so obviously, his heart in the other.

There is moving and more planning and relaxing and of course partying. Moose was right to fear the vodka bills, and there’s enough room outside to party in their own way without damaging the careful house setup they’ve been working on.

Drunken ax throwing is probably not something she’s ever going to want to replicate again though. She’s not sure whether it’s out of fear of the damage they cause, or sadness for the nostalgia of doing something so balls out crazy and ridiculous.

There’s a lot that needs to be gotten out of their systems. Easing their need to be near Andy out of their system. Easing their habit of staying away from Booker out of their system as well. It’s a lot of change, a lot of work amongst the play, and it’s exhausting and terrifying and sweet as hell depending on the moment. 

Til by the last planned night for this trip, for Andy’s farewell, all that emotion out and adrenaline expended, they’ve kind of mellowed, talking into the night.

Booker leaves first, still obviously worried about outliving his welcome even if they’ll be meeting up again at Moose’s office to plan their next run, the first without Andy. 

Joe and Nicky follow a few hours later, with hugs and murmured goodbyes.

Nile sips her drink and lets the moment hang in the air instead, unable to rush this, even when Quynh rests her hands on her arm to gather her attention. 

“We have a proposition for you” Quynh states, and Nile laughs. 

“Sounds dirty” she replies with a wink, with a joke, but the sly smile instead of a laugh that she gets in return throws her.

Andy’s eyes are measuring her under their gaze, mesmerizing in their intensity. In the intention, the … want?

The laugh catches in her throat because well, it’s maybe not a joke. Her gaze flits to Andy, to Quynh, to Andy again, just to confirm she’s seeing what she thinks she’s seeing.

And oh. Here’s the thing.

Back in the beginning, after Merrick but before Quynh, there had been some ... vibes. Some looks. And she’s not going to lie, Andy with an ax in her hand would have been a fantasy if she hadn’t forced herself into the role of teammate, if she hadn’t been so fresh from the military complex that sleeping with her team at the time had felt off.

Plus Andy was broken enough, and Nile was new enough (and maybe, in her own way, broken enough) that it just never became a thing. And then there was Quynh, and a love so ancient that it took her breath away.

She’d never thought about it with Joe and Nicky, because they WERE Joe&Nicky. She supposes Andy and Quynh are also that couple, but she’d met Andy on her own, met Quynh on her own. And Quynh was exactly as deadly as they’d told her. Nile has come to really, well, appreciate, deadly. 

Their love for each other has lasted for years now, and it’s never been about this, but it’s never precluded this either. And Nile had never really thought about it, truly, but like this, as friends, as another form of contact and communion … as a blessing, she thinks. For them, to be on their own now. For her, to feel once more what it’s like to have Andy by her side before she has to do it on her own.

Well, by her side would probably be the least of the positions involved, if she says yes. And Nile finds she really wants to say yes.

“You’re a silver fox, lady” she tells Andy, and there’s always been a little worship in her when it comes to the other woman. The fact that it always stayed on the side of politeness before now doesn’t mean she’s not willing to step over the line when it's wanted. Not just wanted, invited apparently, and by both of them.

"One show only, no encores?” She asks, and Quynh smiles even though Nile is pretty sure she doesn’t get the reference.

“Better than a gold watch” Quyhn tells her solemnly but with mischief in her eyes, and Nile can’t help the sharp bark of a laugh that escapes her. All that pop culture she’d absorbed catching back up with the world puts her frame of reference square where Nile’s is, sometimes.

Right. She’s never been someone’s retirement present before.

Sounds like fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quynh's pop culture references are the best and weirdest thing about her, some days.
> 
> Learning 500 years quickly has got to involve picking up the randomest shit sometimes.


	10. Chapter 10

It’s bittersweet, the next morning. Not the fact that she aches in ways she’s almost surprised about, nor the fact that her muscles are still like jelly from too much pleasure and too much emotion and perhaps a few positions that were not as advisable but had seemed a good idea in the moment.

She doesn’t regret last night, not at all. She could never regret anything good with her family, with these beautiful and impossible women. 

Especially when they are three very fit and very agile and very hot women, if she’s allowed to have the ego to include herself in that listing. Andy and Quynh have always turned heads while they're out, for different reasons, and for good reasons.

And there's no way she could ever regret a night like that, because damn, she’d tried not to wonder what thousands of years experience would get you and it turns out it was even better than she’d been giving it credit for, in the back of her mind. 

Sweet is probably an understatement for how it had felt, between the skill level and the emotional connection that she’s honestly not had with a lover in a very long time. Not the type of emotional connection she knows is normally thought of attached with sex, but it’s still there and it’s still good in its own way. The bitter part comes from how it hurts that it may be the last time she sees Andy. Sure, they’ve promised to visit, but things are never certain and mortality is a risk. 

Andy is a living risk now, one that they’ve never been able to handle. One Andy is still learning to live with. 

And Nile knows even if she does, even if this works out like they hope and Andy lives to be older and greyer and pass quietly into the night, not like a warrior but like a survivor…. even if she comes back and finds here here, it will never quite be the same.

One show only, no encores. And even worse than that, no more encores for the strongest woman she’s ever met standing fierce with an ax in her hand. Just this Andy, a new Andy, impatiently pacing around her own kitchen as she waits for the coffee to be ready.

Quynh, she knows she will see again, unless some luck happens and she loses her immortality at the right time to join Andy on her way out. The fact that she sees that as luck now - luck to die, rather than the opposite - says a lot about the world she’s living in nowadays. The more fatalistic mindset of the immortality that’s entwined with that responsibility she still feels.

Shit. She doesn’t want to die, but in that very thought she understands Booker far more than she had wanted to.

There’s a bruise on Andy’s neck, and Nile knows she left it there. She couldn’t help herself in the moment, an instinct to leave some little piece of semi-permanence she’d needed to mark with tongue and teeth and lips. She can’t have it on herself, some last mark of this time together - but Andy doesn’t heal that way anymore, and Andy didn’t stop her, and she can’t stop looking at it as they talk over breakfast.

She knows Andy understands. Because it’s never been about love between them, and it’s always been about love between them.

Just as it’s always been about duty. The others will be waiting for her for their planning session, she knows, and she really needs to not make them wait. She’s the leader now, the only leader now, and she wants to live up to Andy. Not even that, she wants to live up to the voice in her head that knows she can make a difference, the voice that has always pushed her to do more. To make a change. 

She wonders if that voice came with whatever branded immortality on her soul, or if it’s one that was there before. The past has started to blur now, so that it’s sometimes hard to tell.

Andy leans down on her way out, and brushes a kiss across her forehead before letting her leave. It feels like a benediction. It feels like a goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally I was going to call these shorter chapters interludes or something because I had a pattern for them, and then I told my obsessive everything has to have a reason and chapter lengths should be similar brain to shut up and left it blank. Brains.


	11. Chapter 11

Their first run back goes better than she'd thought, which she appreciates. Not perfect, but it's never going to be the type of perfect it was before - she’ll have to find her own version now.

She’s shocked at how well Booker fits into their unit on the field, into the other blank space at her back where Quyhn had been standing, until she realizes that of course he would. The other three would have molded him to shape the Quyhn shaped hole in their defenses hundreds of years before she was born.

She can tell he knows it, now. She wonders if he knew it then, back at the beginning, if that shaped any of him beyond the fight.

Nile figures it had. She figures that would have happened to her too - if she hadn’t wanted more, if she hadn’t pushed and prodded til she had her own space.

And it is her own space. She’s not Andy, she never will be, and she adores the woman but she doesn’t want to be either. It makes it harder, because in a way it would be easier if she was just an Andy substitute - but that wouldn’t be fair to Andy.

Wouldn’t be fair to her either, Nile knows. Even if some days god knows it would be easier, when the boys squabble because they’re still not fully trusting each other off the battlefield, not quite yet. 

She almost calls ten times after their first mission, just to ask. _Did I do this right Andy?_

 _Did I do you proud, Andy?_ she knows is the real question. Which is a question she knows the answer to, Andy told her with her smile, with her blessing - it’s just sometimes she’s shit at remembering it.

But they’d promised. Minimum 4 years, Andy had warned them all, before they were allowed to contact her again, unless someone was dead and not coming back. You need to find your feet, she had warned Nile, that last morning. They need to know you, now.

And maybe she's right, because they have to do that mission on their own, they've had that shoved in their face, and when it doesn't go pearshaped there's a sense of relief, of ownership, that she'd not felt even when she was running missions on Andy's behalf.

Outside of the mission, the battlefields, it’s taking a little longer to get there. When Quyhn had joined they’d had a similar issue - Quyhn volatile and dangerous and Nicky and Joe obviously uncertain how to handle it, their stories of a woman who was just as deadly but not all sharp edges, not like now.

She’s heard stories of Booker - more from Andy than the others, Andy who knew she’d need to know a man she wasn’t being allowed to know, who knew just as well as she did that leading someone you didn’t at least know the basics of was never going to happen. But if the difference between Quyhn in story, the difference with Booker is the rawness of his. 

It’s also more awkward for her, which she should have expected but didn’t expect. Joe and Nicky love her, but they’re still Joe&Nicky. And Booker had been kind to her, Booker hadn’t wanted her in the situation they’d met in - but Booker doesn’t know her at all, not really. And when Joe & Nicky escape to their room, for a dinner, for a weekend, it's quieter than it was before.

She almost feels it's quieter with Booker and the spectre of his guilt then it would have been on her own, some days.

Still, leading isn’t just about yelling the loudest and making sure people salute you. Her drill sergeant had taught her that. It’s about making people work as a team, making them come together.

And well, they have shared pain but they also have a shared history. She just needs to get them back to that. She has a goal, she has a plan, and she's their goddamn leader.

She also has Moose and the latest in a line of hackers on her side, and she knows their weaknesses, the causes they all react a little stronger to, care a little more about. And as much as she hates the truth of it, there are always more missions and there are always more people to help, and maybe she's a little too gungho in this right now but it's better than sitting still, it's better than the quiet, and it's better than dwelling.

The second mission back goes smooth. The third even smoother.

The silences between missions become smoother as well. And maybe, just maybe, Nile figures she might have found her footing.


	12. Chapter 12

The fourth mission back goes to hell.

Not anything her boys did, now less squabble and more understanding of each other, having each other’s back having smoothed over what apologies couldn’t. 

Not anything she did, not anything she could have predicted for, planned for, protected against. 

But it goes to hell regardless. They survive, because they always do, but it’s hard and it hurts and too many fucking innocents get damaged along the way, and sure they’re not the ones pulling the trigger but they were the ones who couldn’t protect people she swore she would, swore to herself at least, and that’s the worst.

And it’s still months before she’s allowed to call Andy again, which means she doesn’t have that outlet. She needs an outlet. 

The bar is a dive, loud and dark and angry. She thinks Andy would have approved. Especially given she’s been so busy trying to be in charge and lead properly and so worried about it in a way that she knows Andy would have rolled her eyes at.

This mission has taught her a few things. Including the fact that she might be putting a little too much on her own shoulders. That’s ok. She’s learning. There’s no such thing as a perfect plan, no matter what you can do. They’ve all told her that, but there’s a difference between being told and accepting. She’s working on the latter.

If she was trying to look tough she’d have whiskey. If she was trying to fit in it’d be beer. Instead she mixes liquor from the well with something sweet enough to take that rough edge down and doesn’t care much about what it says.

It’s here that Booker finds her, despite what she had had thought was an obvious desire to be left alone. She ignores him, and orders another drink instead.

Because that’s the other thing that’s been off. Oh not on mission, on mission it’s been just fine. On mission he’s dependable, he’s a force always at her back, always on her six, always keeping her covered. 

But outside of it, there’s been something starting to edge in. Something that brings to mind a yelled conversation and comments in French. 

Who are you jealous of had been the question, and Nile is starting to get the impression that the answer on that one was much more interesting than she’d given it credit for at the time. Especially now that he knows her better. Knows himself better too, from the impression she gets from the others. The broken man she’d met far too many years ago and the man who watches her when he thinks she isn’t looking are as different as they are the same.

But that’s the thing. The banter they all have with each other, the push and pull and snark - he’ll play it with her too until she turns it back on him, until there’s any hint of interest, and then he’s silent as the grave that eludes them.

Annoying enough on a regular day. Definitely worse today, when she just wants loud and dark and angry. The first drink is easy to throw back. She can always go get another.

“Not very responsible” he smirks at her and she tries to push past him, roughly, but he stays braced against her, stays in her way. Nile’s not sure if she wants to kill him or kiss him but he looks like he’d be happy with either option. 

Still, he doesn’t do a damn thing but stand there - and she doesn’t give in. 

She’s tired of this bullshit. The music is blaring overtop of her, in sync with her thoughts. “I don’t want the world, the world” screams the singer “I only want what I deserve.”

“Stop fucking around, Booker” she finally says. “Or get out of my way.”

His face changes, bluff called now. Ask him again to man up and again he freezes. Typical. She won't push it - she can't, given what she has to do for them, to them - but really, she's about ready to give up on this. She's dead serious about that.

So she raises an eyebrow at him in challenge, the angry music swelling above her head, in her veins, and she waits a beat more before moving to push past him again.

The swear in French is not unexpected. The push of her body hard against the wall and the desperate lips on hers are. And although this isn’t the stress reliever she came to the bar for, well. It’ll do. 

She's been waiting long enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it took 12 chapters before I actually used the song the title came from and the scene from where the whole inspiration of the story came from.
> 
> I'm weird that way.


	13. Chapter 13

His smile is unblemished now, the marks from where she’d bitten his lip for daring to push her into the wall long gone. The nail marks down his back probably are too, more’s the pity.

Passion doesn’t have to come with damage. She can be gentle, if she wants to. But with him she didn’t have to hold back. The damage always goes away, and for the first time in a long time she hadn’t had to worry. About being a little too hard, a little too strong, a little too much of everything.

Nile had been told she was a little too much long before she’d been this woman, this immortal. Time has not tamed her at all. She’s proud of that more days than she regrets it.

But it was nice to forget, last night. It was nice to let the weight down again, to breathe, to not worry. 

“So am I just one of your conquests?” Booker asks, laid across her bed, and she thinks about regrets, and pride, and the tangle of both that led them here. 

“Did you want to be conquered?” She responds, flippantly. “I’m sure there’s some rope somewhere.”

He freezes just slightly before he lounges back, and internally Nile sighs. Still can’t take it as well as he gives it, still can’t handle the push back.

But Nile’s only now starting to realize exactly why that is. Not out of any damn chivalry, like she’d thought, the old school gentleman long dead and buried resurrecting himself as Booker’d fought his way back to a place where he was more than just anger and exhaustion and pain, back to their team.

She’d thought at first it was because of that, but she knows now, in the way he’d touched her, in the way he doesn’t quite look straight at her now - he doesn’t want to push back because he’s got too much to lose.

He doesn’t want to push back because this is far more serious than he’ll admit.

And she gets it, she truly does. If she lets herself dwell, if she lets herself think about it, how she always knows how he’s at her back, how she trusts Booker far more than she has trusted anyone in any of her lifetimes, well …

Nile gets it, is all. Same as she understands that instinct.

With a sigh she slides back into bed, against him, and kisses him. Pushes him back into the blankets. He takes it - goes willingly, follows her lead just like he does in battle - and she knows right then the power she has here.

The responsibility.

She never thought she’d be able to have both, to be quite honest. Be in charge, and also be able to let go. Letting go of everything that used to be. Nile’s not sure if it’ll work, but god knows its worth the try.

“We okay, Booker?” she finally asks as she pushes back, cups his cheek, looks in his eyes. 

“D’accord” he responds, hoarse, “you know I’d follow you anywhere.”

And so he will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ending came out slightly more sappy than the original thoughts in my head, but apparently this is where the story wanted to go. Hope you enjoy it regardless though.


End file.
